Fearful or Fearless

Hey Birthday Girl!!!!!

Anisa is two years old tomorrow. I stayed up late last night to bake her a cake, but dropped one layer on the ground. Bloody hell. Woke up early, knocked out a second cake. And we are on the cusp of a banger of a birthday party - if I don’t drop the entire cake.

Daddy and Baby Girl at the company holiday party. It was lit.

To paraphrase a friend, what was once obvious no longer is. Life is defined by a new set of facts, a new set of relationships, an unfamiliar understanding of what is possible (and what is not).

What is this transformation I speak of? Our politics? The world we live in? Being an old-man-girl-dad?

Umm, yes.

We like the characters in our favorite stories - or our preferred politics - because of their personalities. We like the way they think, the way they act, the way they interact.

In Anisa’s case, her personality makes her an absolute joy to be around. Even when she has climbed into our bed at 4:00 AM to tell me everything about her belly button.

Personality is the easiest, most straightforward, way to see someone. But, our focus on personality conveniently sets aside the conflict that comes with trying to understand if someone’s values align with our own.

Because, look, a person can be gregarious and fun. Does that mean they are kind and honest? Not necessarily.

Birthday Girl

“Personality,” Mirosława Czerniawska and Joanna Szydło write, “is understood as characteristic patterns of thoughts, feelings and actions which result in specific ways of interacting with the environment.” Meanwhile, values, “provide standards in the choice of behaviour.”

People with empathetic or agreeable personalities are more likely to have values that center on other people or the public good. Meanwhile, people whose personalities are directive or Machiavellian, associate with values that are more individualistic. To make it all the more complicated, the authors point out, even though personality shapes values, it does not mean that, “a value system is independent of social, including cultural, influences.”

So, here I am, living in a world that is changing much faster than I expected, in a toddler household that is changing even faster. The world - and my home - is an emotional roller coaster.

It feels too easy to say society is becoming more individualistic. Just as it feels too simplistic to claim Anisa’s personality makes her the perfect daughter. (That being said, she is perfect.)

So, let’s talk about my personality. My values. And how they are adjusting.

In the BBG (Before Baby Girl) times, I was a very curious person. Always up for an adventure. Sit, listen to people I didn’t know or didn’t understand. Someone once said I was “fearless” in my approach to people. That characteristic is still there. But, it has competition because as a parent I now realize it is easier, and safer, to stay in my comfort zone. In this day and age, does curiosity put myself at risk, professionally or personally?

As I become more fearful, I become more individualistic. My worldview closes around me, Anisa, Toya. I know a safer, more self-centered, personality leads to less empathy. It is easier to care less about the world, the people around me.

I don’t like this shift in my personality. I don’t like the way it impacts my values.

Anisa reminds me what I am at risk of missing.

Birthday Girl

Most mornings, my Mom takes a walk. Sometimes with friends. Sometimes on her own. We are so happy to be living near her. And, I am just so proud she has carved out a life of her own after my Dad - her husband of over 50 years - passed. Her walks are a testament of her resilience.

The other morning, Mom tripped and fell while she was on her walk. And sprained her wrist. Nothing terrible. No amputation necessary. But, she was rather uncomfortable.

So, when we did our daily, post-daycare, FaceTime with Mom, I told Anisa that Dadima had an “ouchy.” Baby Girl looked up from whatever rascalness she was involved in, her brows furrowed, eyes widened with concern as she looked at the screen and said, “Oooohhhhh…..”

“Ouchy, Dadima? Oooohhhh…”

Anisa stepped forward, kissed and hugged the phone. It was crushingly adorable.

Let’s be clear, Baby Girl is not all hugs and kisses. She holds her own on the soccer pitch, on the jungle gym. And, these days, she is very comfortable saying, “It’s MINE.”

Anisa is both empathetic and direct. She can be worldly and individualistic. She is a fearless two year old, curious about the world.

What does any of this mean for her values as an adult? How will her environment shape, “the positive image of the Self [sustained] by acting in accordance with values, in different situations and at different times”? Who the hell knows.

At this point in her life, Anisa is absolutely amazing. And, well, in my opinion she will always be absolutely amazing. But, with every year passing, she will become more of her own person. And we will love her all the same.

After two years of Baby Girl in my life, I realize that it would be easy to slip into a fearful posture towards the world. I understand how it could happen to me, I am beginning to understand how it happens to many of us. Particularly when we feel like we have lost control.

Being fearful, raising fearful kids, makes for a defensive, selfish, worldview. A worldview that strips other people of dignity, dismisses the value of their contribution, makes life, well, less fun. It isn’t the way I want live my life; it is not the way I want Anisa to live her life.

For the lifetime ahead, if I have one responsibility, it is to nurture Anisa’s sense of fearlessness, her belief she can do anything. To do that, I need to make sure that, even if the world is changing around me in ways I don’t understand, I need to be a part of that transformation - if only to do everything I can so fear does not prevail.

Happy Birthday, Anisa. Thank you for reminding me what is wonderful about the world. Love you.