My First Father's Day

As a Dad, and without my Dad

On this Sunday morning, I am on the floor with Anisa. She is rolling from toy-to-toy, squeaking, drooling. I am next to her, writing, squeaking, also drooling. Out of the two of us, I’m the only one who is potty-trained.

For those of you who know me, I am a person of few spoken words. (A characteristic I should probably apply to the written word.) I’ve always been more comfortable listening instead of talking. Growing up, I am pretty sure my dad was one of even fewer words. At least in our relationship. We got along well. But there wasn’t a lot said between us.

In fact, when he and I took a three-week trip to Pakistan in 2015, one of my sisters asked me, “What are you going to talk about?” (It was the trip of my life – you can read about it here.)

So, today, six months into life with Anisa, my first Father’s Day as a Dad -- and without my Dad -- I wonder how my conversations with Dad would have changed.

The practical stuff, of course, would be there. Be smart with your money. Plan for what the future may bring. Make sure Anisa has good table manners. (She has a lot of work to do on this last bit.)

But seeing how much joy his granddaughters brought to the last ten years of his life, I can only imagine how much fun he would have had with Anisa. Teaching her how to bang on a drum, helping her swim, sitting and playing.

As I sit here this Father’s Day morning, I can see and hear Anisa giggling to no ends with her Dada. They would have had a fantastic time.

Dad would have helped me be a better father, a better husband. Plan the experiences I want to share with Anisa; just like the experiences he shared with me. Help me support her through good times and bad; just like he supported me. Remind me of the ways I need to be there for both Toya and Anisa; just like he was there for Mom and all of us.

Will I be as good a dad? Impossible. But I know I was lucky to have a dad as good as mine. And all I can do is hope to provide Anisa with a life as good as he provided us.

Reflections

Yes, life continues to be one long red-eye flight. That’s okay. Sleep is overrated. Besides, who would I be to complain? I wasn’t the one who carried Anisa for nine months, much less give birth to her. A little less sleep and a lot more noise in life is not a big deal.

Over the last six months, I have listened to people around me and have changed my ways. Because I think a lot of things have been left unsaid.

For example, before Anisa was born, people would tell me, “You are going to be an amazing father.” I knew they actually meant, “I am deeply worried for the safety of your child.”

So, I have slowed down. Been a bit more focused. Not worked quite so much. Had a lot of fun being goofy. Been extra careful not to drop Baby Girl. Which leads people to say, “You are so good with Anisa.”

Although, with the subtle raise of an eyebrow, I also hear, “Poor girl is going to spend a lot of time in therapy.”

On the other hand, when people heard I know how to change diapers, they said, “You are such a good husband.” (I took Toya to see Janet Jackson on Friday, so I think that counts as well.)

I have also tried to take better care of myself. Because, every time someone says, “You look great -- fatherhood is treating you well,” the look on their face says, “You really should see a doctor.”

Folks’ admiration for Toya is amazing. To a person, people tell me, “Toya is an incredible mother.” The slight shake of the head is a tell: “Especially since she now has two babies – Anisa and you.”

And, people seem to like Cranky Dad. Even if they are worried I will write something that will get me cancelled before Anisa is in pre-school. (A legitimate concern.)

Onward

For nearly 50 years, Father’s Day was a quick phone call home. Or, if I was in town, a visit. It was special. But I know it was also something I took for granted.

Did Dad take that personally? I don’t know. As noted, we had a vibe. But, today, I wish I could tell him.

Instead, today, I miss him.

Finally

A big thank you to Tim and Hannah for the awesome Cranky Dad swag. I’m not sure I see a merch line in Cranky Dad’s future, but it is a fantastic mug.