To Be a Good Friend

And it’s starting to feel like 2015 again

I am a child of the 80’s. Which means I was terrified by The Day After, inspired by legendary battles between Navratilova vs Evert, McEnroe vs Borg, Lakers vs Celtics, and, well, listened to some of the greatest pop music of all time. So, this week, let’s talk about Wham!.

But, first, because we must be a bit serious, I have to say that this is all starting to feel like 2015 again.

In Crossing Borders, I wrote about how the European Union struggled mightily to find a way to manage the Syrian refugee crisis of 2015. And, to a large part, their failure to do so fed into the far right’s efforts to pass Brexit. Similar dynamics are cropping up.

A couple weeks ago, the Dutch government collapsed due to irreconcilable differences on immigration policy. The New York Times’ lede explains, “The collapse of a Dutch coalition government over a proposed refugee policy has once again underscored the potency of immigration as an arbiter of Europe’s politics and how stopping far-right parties from capitalizing on it is a growing problem for mainstream politicians.”

In this context, the Wall Street Journal points out dropping public support for immigration (legal or otherwise) in Canada, the UK and the United States. And Axios reports that the increase in migration is, “fueling a new rush of anti-immigrant policies and deepening political divisions in several wealthy countries.”

Of course, in the case of the U.S., all of this is in the face of tight labor markets where employers of all stripes depend on immigrant workers.

Breaking the policy stalemate requires both leadership and compromise. And these days, the only person doing that – and managing to anger both sides along the way – is President Biden. Although you would never know since he rarely speaks about immigration.

The Washington Post editorial page points out that the administration’s effort to create legal channels for asylum seekers to apply for protection in an orderly fashion pushed down daily Border Patrol encounters with migrants from more than 10,000 before May 11, when the new policies went into effect, to 3,400 per day in early June. Which takes a lucrative line of business away from the cartels, reduces chaos on the border and, ultimately, ensures some number of individuals and families can find protection in, and contribute to, the U.S. But the policy is attacked by both the right – who want zero admissions – and the left who see it as an undermining of the asylum system.

Look, a big reason why the public struggles to coalesce around immigration solutions is that people see it as a complicated problem Washington DC is incapable of solving. In this case, we have a nuanced policy solution that is leading to important results. Failing to explain these successes to the public, plays into their belief this is a problem that cannot be solved.

We’ve tried to keep the debate simple and have failed to build enough public support for legislative change. Ignoring immigration issues – or oversimplifying them – only leaves a vacuum. In 2015, that vacuum was filled by those who used immigration to advance an authoritarian agenda.

The stakes are even higher now. Especially when elections are seen as existential battles over, “America as we know it.”

A Great Friend

These days my life is dominated by talk of baby gear and baby proofing. Which has led me to realize Anisa is being raised by Amazon Prime. Seriously. It’s crazy.

My Amazon-guilt aside, I’ve realized that of all the things you are supposed to teach your child, I have never thought about how I would teach Anisa to be a great friend. I’m sure Amazon has a solution that will appear on my doorstep in a matter of hours – but that feels like an unnecessary shortcut. Which takes us back to the ‘80’s.

See, the other night Toya and I decided to watch the new Netflix documentary, WHAM! Not sure why I chose it. Because, generally speaking, my taste in documentaries are more Documentary Now than (insert earnest title here). But, let’s be honest, Anisa rocks her jean jacket almost as good as George.

In any case, George Michael and Andrew Ridgeley were children of immigrants who met early in life and soon found themselves making music together. They were on the cusp of failure when the “Top of the Pops” invited them on to perform, “Young Guns” in 1982. Over the course of the ensuing four years they sold 30 million records.

And, along the way, they had something to teach us about friendship.

During their four-year rocket ship from obscurity to worldwide fame, Ridgeley realized Michael had become a much better songwriter than him. And more importantly, Ridgeley realized that Michael, due to the times they lived in, was hiding his sexuality from the public.

Instead of being bitter or jealous, Ridgeley supported his childhood friend. He saw both the potential and the pain within Michael and they agreed to let Wham! come to an end in 1986 at the height of their fame. Michael went on to have an incredible solo career before dying on Christmas Day 2016 at the age of 53 from natural causes.

In 2017, Ridgeley paid respect to his friend at the 2017 Brit Awards, "George has left for us in his songs, in the transcendental beauty of his voice, and poetic expression of his soul, the very best of himself. I loved him and in return, we, you, have been loved."

See, I have a lot of friends, but I would never claim to be a great friend of my friends. Frankly, to a person, they are better friends to me, than I am to them. They are more available, more vulnerable, more there.

Perhaps in my “change everything” second act of life, that will change since Anisa can teach me new things and make up for my many deficiencies. (Contributions to her therapy fund can be made through a paid subscription to Cranky Dad.)

Since I should add some value to the process, let me road test with you a few simple rules to being a good friend.

·       Be trustworthy and trusting.

·       Be a good listener and a good sharer.

·       Be there.

What are your rules for being a good friend?

Let me know.

What I’m Eating

I am grateful I survived the pandemic. But, unlike every other kitchen hobbyist, I was never able to figure out how to make a decent sourdough. With the help of our kind neighbor who shared some bubbly starter and a great cookbook by Emilie Raffa, I can now claim success.  

What I’m Drinking

I’m not a rum guy. They all taste kind of the same. But, decades ago, my cousin from India introduced me to Old Monk Rum, “One of the world’s oldest as well as the most widely sold one all over the world.” After years of searching for it, I finally found it at the local liquor store and made a fantastic Cuban Manhattan (1.5 oz Old Monk, .75 oz Cocchi Vermouth di Torini, .75 oz Vermouth Blanco, one Fabri Amarena cherry).  

What I’m Reading

Jennifer Pahlka’s Recoding America, describes why our government feels antiquated and how to update its technology in a methodical, effective fashion

Patrick Deneen’s Why Liberalism Failed, because I am equal parts fascinated and alarmed by the effectiveness of his idea that America can return to the way “life used to be.”

Finally, I’ve been working through Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett’s Good Omens for a while. And every time I pick it up, even it isn’t for weeks, it feels like a novel I want to read multiple times.