What we don’t value

And, how should I set rules?

Week two of parental leave and Anisa is showing few signs of buyer’s remorse. Let’s see what week three holds.

Cranky as F**k

Granted, it is still early on in this here fatherhood journey, but being a Dad is not what makes me cranky. Sure, life is a bit more complicated. And it comes with less sleep and even less free time. But, truly, none of that is a big deal. Because, if anything, all of that makes everything in life more valuable.

But let’s come back to that in a future issue. Because, today I want to talk about how fatherhood sheds a light on what we deem to be less valuable.

What puts the “Cranky” in “Cranky Dad” is how the eyes of fatherhood have brought into sharp focus how little value we as a society put into so many things. Holding our little one in our arms, we seem to forget about everyone and everything else. Particularly the moms.

Of course, we spend an inordinate amount of time screaming at each other about what women can and can’t do; but, practically no time screaming about their actual health.

Since becoming a father, I have become sharply attuned (for a dude) to the way our health care system treats moms. It is incredibly f****d up. And, in spite of every week seeming to have another article about how poorly our system serves new moms, it is hard to tell if progress is on the horizon.

In fact, “The U.S. is already the most dangerous place among high-income nations to give birth, with the highest rate of deaths related to pregnancy and childbirth,” reported Anna Mutoh for the Wall Street Journal. “The number of women in the U.S. who died during pregnancy or shortly after recently grew to its highest rate since 1965, according to the National Center for Health Statistics, to 33 deaths per 100,000 live births—a number that ranks behind Syria and Uzbekistan.”

The article, published on August 3, went on to point out that in the entire country, there are only three inpatient care facilities dedicated to maternal mental-health care, and nearly 30 more that offer outpatient care.

By the way, there were just about 3.6 million births in the United States in 2021. I’m not saying every mom needs mental health support, but feels like there is a gap in services?

Don’t worry, as Mutoh points out, “A new field called reproductive psychiatry, which focuses on issues related to women and childbearing, remains relatively unknown even among medical professionals.” Whew.

Of course, the pharmaceutical industry is here to help.

On August 4, one day after the WSJ article (subtle), “The U.S. Food and Drug Administration approved Zurzuvae (zuranolone), the first oral medication indicated to treat postpartum depression (PPD) in adults.”

At this stage in the process it remains to be seen how widely Zurzuvae will be distributed, much less what kind of insurance coverage will be offered. So, it’s good to have medication in the offing, but I remain deeply skeptical how broadly it will be offered.

Remember, the U.S. is the only high-income nation in the world that doesn’t have paid maternity leave. And, again from Mutoh, “The [health] statistics are worse for Black women in the U.S. According to the National Center for Health Statistics, their mortality rate was 2.6 times as much as the rate for white women.” And, as the New York Times pointed out earlier this year, childbirth is deadlier for Black families, even if they are wealthy.

Look, I could go on and on. But this isn’t about me and my family. This is about a health care system — and a society — that just does not give a shit about women’s health. And as much as I love Toya and Anisa and want the best for them, I am going to be as cranky as f**k until all women can get the health care they deserve.

Rules

Lots of talk about the rule of law these days. Which tends to happen when a president of the United States has been indicted multiple times. While his party both ignores those indictments and rails that migrants seeking asylum at the border are breaking the law.

But I don’t want to talk about that. As noted above, I’m already cranky enough.

Instead, I want to be honest with you: I have absolutely zero idea how I am going to provide Anisa a sense of what is right and wrong. In other words, rules.

Obviously, this is yet another parenting space where Toya is going to have to do the heavy lifting. But I feel like I should have some idea of what to do beyond snarky comments.

Perhaps it is as simple as “Do no harm.” But, not doing harm doesn’t mean you are doing good.

Or, is it a slightly more nuanced, “Be nice to people.” Again, being nice doesn’t mean you are doing good.

Which brings me to a print my parents had at the front of their physical therapy practice. It was the famous 1961 Norman Rockwell painting of people of different races, religions and ethnicity as the backdrop for the Golden Rule, “Do Unto Others as You Would Have Them Do Unto You.”

Every day I walked into their office, I saw that print. It felt like a good rule then, feels like a good rule now.

Advice?

Watching

How good was “Hijack”? So freaking good.

I did not realize this, but George Kay, the creator of “Hijack” also wrote “Lupin” — another fantastic British crime thriller with a Black lead actor. Keep an eye out for the next season of Lupin; later this year, perhaps.

Also noticed the final season of Reservation Dogs was just released on Hulu. (To which I think I now have 349 subscriptions — not sure they can make it any more complicated.) I just loved the story of young folks coming of age on a modern day Native American reservation. So well written and acted.

Reading

Just started the incredible “The World-Ending Fire: The Essential Wendell Berry.” Like my favorite author, John Steinbeck, I want to read every Berry sentence three times to fully drink in the words.

Traveling

Toya, Baby Girl and I are on a bit of a travel whirlwind. Last weekend in Austin to hangout with her sister’s in-laws. This week in Idaho to see friends and speak at a conference. Along the way, Baby Girl has squeaked and screeched on multiple flights. Much to the chagrin of her fellow travelers. Luckily she is super cute.